On The Edge

It feels like sitting in a rollercoaster car slowly creeping to the apex of the ride. You see the world around you at a snail’s pace, but your heart is racing 100 miles an hour. The anxiety builds from the pit if your stomach because you know what’s going to happen, but you’re not exactly there yet. You want to close your eyes because you don’t want to see what’s in front of you, but you keep it open because you want to see what’s in front of you. The clicking to the top gets louder and louder. Then you’re there….. at the top of the highest point of the rollercoaster. The car pauses for a few seconds, so you take in your last breathe and hold on for dear life. You feel the car move…. now you shut your eyes in anticipation of the drop…. but nothing. It was only a small drop…. but the pre-drop that you know will lead to the fast downward descend into the scary abyss.

That’s exactly where I’m at in life right now, at the edge of an adventure. It’s like playing teetter-totter at the top of a rollercoaster. It’s exciting, but along with that excitement is a whole new level of anxiety. This is all new to me. My life is at the edge of a breakthrough, but the anticipation of it happening is torturous. How do you quiet the voices in your head that are screaming at you to “make things happen already.” Breathing helps, but only when you’re focused on it…. then the screams come back. Yoga helps, but after you wipe down all the sweat the anxiety finds its way back into your head. Running – forget about it… that’s when the voices are the loudest.

I’ve never felt so vulnerable in my entire life. Happy activities aren’t as exciting and challenges feel impossible to overcome. Emotions are heightened and I feel too sensitive to just about everything. Everything feels so intensified when you’re sitting at the edge of something great. I know what I want, but I’m not there yet. My dreams are bigger than ever, but I can’t seem to focus on how to make them a reality. EVERYTHING so simple feels overwhelming. Sometimes I want to just sleep through this process and wake up to where I really want to be, but I understand…. patience is virtue.

I get it, we have to go through the process and trust it. We have to experience the journey to the top so we can “enjoy the ride.” Yes, God has a plan…. but is it too much to ask for the plan to go a little faster? The sleepless nights and never ending battles from within make the process a little more difficult to trust. I feel helpless and defeated. I dig down to find the strength to get through the day, but I’m always somehow reminded of where I’m at right now and that I’m not there yet.

Trying to escape the reality that you’re currently living in doesn’t help either…. it will only slow down the process even more. Even though your body wants to avoid everything, you know that’s not the answer. Sitting still is hard when you know there’s so much more to be done, but at the same time you have to sit still and allow for things to take its course. Your mind races with thoughts and ideas and worries that never use to exist.

By all means, I’m not complaining. I know I have a lot to be grateful for right now…. but success is in my field of vision. I can see it vividly… it’s like riding in a plane and seeing the beautiful beaches on the descent for touchdown. You ache to feel the warm sun and sandy beach…. you see it, but you can’t be in it yet…. because you have to land safely first.

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